I have a lot to say, and I can't hold my tongue......

The truth is, I am bitter. I am so tired....of giving chances only to be let down. There might be 1 good person out of 2000 but I have lost faith in humanity to find that person. I try, so hard, to be the person that did not allow the actions of others to change me but, how would you feel if you met over 1000 people on the streets and everyone treated you like crap? Most of you will never experience it. Because people wont show their heartlessness to people that are middle-class or higher. I remember sleeping outside of the Dunkin Donuts, had no where else to go..... my mom and I weren't hurting anyone, we were just parking in a dark corner at night, where we less fortunate people belonged. This was early on in the homeless stages, we hadn't lost the car yet, we were living in it. A few custumers pretended to talk to us one morning and be our friends, they had seen us there several mornings in a row, (LESSON LEARNED: NEVER, EVER confuse being nosey with friendliness) what they were really doing was digging for information, kept asking weird questions....we slipped....we told them we were sleeping there, they went inside and told the employees that 2 homeless women were living in their parking lot. They called the owner, to see what he wanted to do, if they should call the cops on us or not. Here is the kicker. The owner of that Dunkin Donuts and several others is my blood relative, He told the employee to tell my mom and I "Gwen and I were sorry to hear that Bart (my dad) died, but you can't sleep here, we wish you the best of luck." Mom and I just literally burst into tears uncontrollably. I swear, I felt my heart break. Do you know...... what that does to you? To KNOW that with the snap of their fingers they could have helped us and CHOSE not to? Granted, we hadn't spoken with them in 10 years but my mom used to babysit their kids, go to barbecues, nothing bad happened they just grew apart because no one liked being around my Dad.

Another time, we parked outside of a car part store, we had done so 2 nights in a row, our mistake the 2nd day was we slept late...didn't leave before employees got there, so, they called the cops. It was a male cop, he grabbed us out of the car and just looked at us with disgust, the questions, why are you here, why are you homeless, are you high, where are the drugs, when was the last time you did drugs, etc. The male officer cuffed me and called a female officer, she came out..... put gloves on, put her hands down my bra, felt all around, wasn't satisfied so she unhooked my bra and just let it fall, waiting for the kilo of cocaine to fall with it...that wasn't deep enough, so she unbuttoned my jeans and pulled my panties outward to look down because I mean god, we were living in our car, we HAD to be hiding drugs somewhere! They tore thru our car, throwing things all over the place, threw our blankets on the concrete like it was trash, when they were done, they left our things on the ground outside, uncuffed us, gave us our dogs back and just walked away..... 20 people got to witness that and this was our first police contact out of many.

My mom's brother lives in Texas, he's wealthy, he has a mansion, he was someone my mom kept in contact with her entire life. When he found out we were homeless.....he Money Grammed us $150. That's it. No... I'll help you get an apartment or anything, just $150 and more "Best wishes." If I had a dollar for everytime I heard "Oh wow... I am SO sorry, I hope things work out for you, I wish you the best of luck" I'd have at least $200. There are so many stories like this I could tell you to try and make you understand what it's like, but you still wouldn't come close.

After I got an apartment and quit escorting, I realized a lot of things. For the past 6-7 years I have had no time to worry about me and what I want, my mind was always racing, it never stopped even when I slept, my fears just melted into my dreams like a disease. For the first few months I realized how bad being homeless fucked my head up..... I will never be the same. It was a damaging, life altering, crippling experience I wont ever escape. I found that no matter what I did or how much money I made, I was constantly terrified I would end up homeless again. I also developed a distinct resentment for people. Being homeless for 3 years, escorting for 1 year... I met over 1000 of people, men and women alike and NO ONE would help us (that's actually not true, 2 did, I'll get to that later though) all anyone ever offered me was "well move in with me..... and live rent free as long as you fuck me." Right. So when you get tired of me being your slave, I'm back on the streets? Gee thanks, will I get to wear a collar too, Master? Because the only thing worse then being a prostitute, is being someones personal slave 24 hours a day.

This time 2 years ago my mom and I broke into our foreclosed house, I stole god, I don't even know how many candles I stole from stores... that was our only source of heat and it was no where near enough....We froze in the winters and sweat our asses off in the summer with no way to shower for months at a time. Strangers would talk bad about us amongst each other while we were sitting right there.... like we didn't matter, like we weren't people anymore. That wears on you and eats at every part of you. People are incapable of comprehending homelessness, especially from a woman's perspective, I know..I remember being one of you when I was younger and had a house. I couldn't understand why someone would be homeless and jumped to the conclusion that it must be their fault. Lets for a second stop and think. Ask yourself what you would do if you woke up one day, had no money, no job, no car, no ID, no friends, no family. What would you do? Because you can't get a job without an ID, you can't get an ID without a residence to show proof of address, you can't get a home without money and credit, you can't go to churches for food because they document everything, requiring an ID and you damn sure can't get a job smelling so bad flies choose to follow you over feces. The one time my mom and I got a church to give us food, it was next to worthless. How am I supposed to cook raw corn or chicken???? What am I supposed to do with canned goods and 2 stacks of bread that crust and mold over in 24 hours? (Not kidding, that happened....every word I am typing, happened or is happening) Women's shelters in Delaware cater women who have been abused or women who have KIDS, they allow you to stay a maximum of 1 month, and, during the day they kick you out from 7am-6pm or something, no matter the weather. I lost EVERYTHING when my dad pulled his stunt, every family album, heirloom, every gift my mother ever got me and said "one day, when I'm gone...you'll remember me thru this" I was not getting rid of my last 2 dogs to go to a shelter for 30 days! Our dogs are fighters, they fought just as hard thru the winter/summer and did things to tell us they wanted to keep fighting, it was amazing. They went hungry too, but not as often as we did because one of the people who helped us and didn't say "well, are you going to at least give me a blow job?" would go in, put a bag of dog food under his shirt and walk out. When we became homeless, I gave 2 dogs to the SPCA.. I had to choose who I loved most. They killed them because they knew Alexa, and Merlin the dogs I kept were trained in protection. Stupid idiots killed a Siberian Husky because I trained TWO dogs to be badass. No way was I getting rid of them.... no way in hell, literally.

I quit escorting for 8 months and bought cars at auctions and sold them, it was working, I was doing well, aspiring to have my own dealership/mechanic shop til a few weeks ago it all went down hill. I bought 3 cars that I knew needed repairs because well, I was looking forward to being able to have a real Christmas for the first time in years. I dumped all of my money into those cars like I always do, I sell them, I get the money back and more. Not this time. I had a special mechanic, who would help me because he understood me and I helped him because of how much he helped me. Before he could fix my cars, he kinda got arrested for something he did back when we were homeless. I'm out over $4,000, no rent money, no christmas money, just a box of cereal for breakfast and dinner and a fake, empty Christmas tree from Dollar General. Oooh God, Tessa knows someone in jail! Alert the media! Give me a break, most homeless people steal one time or another. We were trash to the world, might as well eat for free. But no matter how bad we were hurting, we never once set out to hurt anyone. With the shit we put up with, it's a miracle we didn't get so fed up with life we didn't kill ourselves or just walk into a bank and rob them. I did things I'm not proud of, we all did. Even my 63 year old mother with a crystal clean record found herself stealing subs when we were hungry, and even then we'd do it after days had gone by without. Judge if you want. Everyone else does.

Two people helped me and my mom when we were on the streets and never asked for anything. My mechanic and a sweet old guy, both were homeless, both had their stories. lol, isn't that sad? The only people that would do anything for my mom and I was someone who had nothing. They gave and never once saw my desperation as opportunity. They took risks everytime he fed or clothed us. They were both paid in full for their kindness, but never expected anything. I never slept with them one time so get your head out of the gutter thinking that's how they were paid in full. After I started escorting and started paying for 2 hotel rooms everyday... they lived in the second hotel with my dogs still didn't stop caring. They drove me where I needed to go, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, walked my dogs and ANYTIME either of them came into money, they handed over every dime to me. They wanted for nothing, Food, clothes, oh, you like the new Nikes? Lets go get them. Oh you want $50 in pocket money? Here, take it. I mean, that's how it was for us. They took care of mom and I for 3. It was my turn to take care of them the way that I could. After I got my apt it STILL didn't stop...I got the mechanical boy a job, he was fixing my cars for FREE making me thousands but there was never any "deal" there was never any "do this for me and I'll do that for you." That is TRUE caring, to do for someone else because you can in ways that make their lives easier. So, when someone tells me they "care about me" I can't help but get sick to my stomach...because I know their lying. People say they care, but when it comes time to actually do something that shows it, their done.

I remember a few times I was broke and inches away from losing my hotels....I'd text a regular. Big mistake, 98% of them knew I was texting because I was in need, so they'd bargain, wanting hefty discounts in exchange for the "inconvenience" of my contacting them or they'd just flat out tell me they don't have time for a visit, no sex means no money, that is....afterall the only thing a man will give me money for. Nevermind the fact that many of these guys text me for months just to talk to me because they were lonely and I would entertain it because I thought I was showing gratitude for their support, I never once told them "texting you is wasting my time, your not paying." I thought I was being good to them. I quickly realized I was just the sucker that got played and I was just a piece of meat to them and their text-a-long girlfriend when they were bored.

One of the biggest challenges I personally face when being encumbered by hardship....is being pretty. No one feels sorry for a pretty girl, because everyone believes pretty women have the world at their fingertips and we're all liars and users. But what no one realizes is that every single person, including women I've ever met feels that way....So everytime I'm in trouble, a man makes DAMN sure he doesn't help me to teach me a lesson I've been taught my entire life .... pretty women don't get shit, they get shit on. I had to work twice as hard when I had a job years ago, my boss was a guy, he couldn't show an ounce of kindness or he'd be accused of showing favoritism, if I made a mistake, I'd be in 10x more trouble then if a girl who wasn't as pretty. I have never won. I have never gotten what I wanted. You don't know how many stories I heard from clients about the drug addict with a baby they helped, got her an apartment, gave her a credit card, car..... the sad truth, I am too polite and too intelligent for my own good. A homeless mother/daughter just isn't as interesting as a junkie with a baby.

Case and point: I knew a guy, who knows a drug addict, she has 2 kids, she's fat, lazy and not at all pretty or smart. I've heard her scream on the phone demanding money, he gives it to her, he bought her a car, got her an apartment and paid her rent for an entire year and supported her in every possible way while she sat at home on her ass smoking crack with his money. When I asked him wtf was wrong with him, he didn't want to see the kids on the streets (keep in mind, I was still fucking homeless when I found out about this) This guy knows I'm smart, he's seen it, been intimidated by it, which is why when I, a year later asked him if he could help me just one time pay my rent, I was refused. He suggested I go back to escorting. So here I am. I wasn't good enough to help. Even though, I did for this guy, went out with him, spent time with him....I thought, I was showing him that not all women are selfish cunts. I once again got shown, I'm the sucker that gets played and being polite doesn't pay.

I must be making all this up because I'm pretty, right? I'm a greedy, selfish, well-off liar. I wish that was true and I made this crap up. Maybe there is something wrong with me... I don't know. I've tried to figure it out, but I don't understand what I'm doing wrong to be disliked and not worth helping. Even strangers hate me, everytime I go into sephora, ulta, nordstrom I get treated like shit, followed around the store, dirty looks.... anyone who knows me knows I dress well. Button down, tucked in, belt and boots. That's all I wear so it's not that I look like I don't belong there. It doesn't matter how good of a person I am, nothing changes. There has to be something wrong with me.