Living

I know it's been awhile.... I kind of got home and just spent the past several weeks enjoying the fact that I can for the first time in nearly 4 years....relax. It's been one thing after another, always panic in the back of my mind, wondering if one day the hotel bills would just be too much to where I couldn't pull it off....cause...yeah, I was definitely alone in this.....No one was going to help me....People can sit there and say how much they care about me but the sad truth is no one does....someone will "care" as long as it means they don't have to do anything or show it in any way.. I've been thru the definition of how much people care too many times. "I'm so sorry your dad died and screwed you over and are now living in a tent behind Walmart.....I care about you, wish you the best of luck" as they drive off in their new car to go back to their expensive house and perfect life...Ya, you REALLY care, huh? Or the famous "God if theres anything I can ever do call" what they mean is don't call. I don't know if it's just me that people are incapable of caring about or this is just how the world treats people in need. I do know, to most people that if your homeless...you are TRASH, it's your fault....your a piece of shit, no argument. Normal people can't comprehend that there is NO state assistance, I don't care what you think you know from what the TV and state leads you to believe...it's a joke. You call for housing and get told "The waiting list is full, try back next year" We tried everything, called the Gov office, HUD, Salv Army, churches...it was all pretty much the same answer. The only thing we were able to find was that my mom could have gotten in a highrise in Wilmington...but they said I couldn't go. Obviously, she wouldn't leave me. Other options were to get rid of the last 2 dogs I managed to hold onto while being homeless and pretend that we were victims of an abusive relationship to get into a womens shelter. Many don't know this either but the shelters cater to homeless MEN. There are more shelters easier to get into if your male...most homeless shelters for women are only for the abused and make you go into counseling and shit. Either way, I wasn't getting rid of my dogs, the SPCA knows how my dogs are trained from when I was breeding/training, while friendly they would have considered their history as working dogs too much of a risk to place them in a home. So yeah, being homeless was my fault...there were so many options. "Why didn't you get a job" because I would have been able to get a job with no clothes, living in filth (the closest I got to a shower for months was "bird bathing" which is taking a wet rag in walmarts bathroom) and working min wage and been able to save up SO much money. It's expensive to be homeless, things get ruined or go missing quickly, your limited on what kind of food you can buy...can't cook, and whatever you get better get eaten before it goes bad.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I have an apartment....it's been too long since I've been able to have 1 day of peace, let alone several weeks....but I will never, ever forget what I went thru and what it took to get this far...and I want everyone else to know, know how blessed you are to not know this type of suffering, this isn't even half the story, I didn't go into detail about going days without food, getting so hungry you'll steal, get caught but instead of just giving it back your just too damn hungry to care...so you run. Freezing in the winter with no heat except when you get enough money for an all day bus pass and ride all day long so you can feel some warmth, can't go in most stores cause if they catch you just walking around they'll kick you out knowing your not there to shop by how your dressed. Sitting outside eating McDonalds and seeing a Hispanic lady walk passed you, look down at her granddaughter and say "that is what you call white trash" (not kidding, really happened)

I don't even consider it over, I can't do this forever. I am going to start reporting my income, pay taxes, build my credit... I'm a long term thinker.